Vague Euphemism Songs

The vague euphemism song is my name for the (very) minor genre of r&b/hip-hop influenced pop music that uses silly euphemisms that obviously are referring to something dirty but it's not entirely clear what it is. I know of five songs that fit into the genre:

1. "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas

This is, of course, the founding song of the genre – almost its manifesto. This song is infamous. I think it's pretty great. To be honest, the euphemism isn't that vague. Though she uses humps and lumps interchangeably and plays around with what's plural and what isn't , it's pretty obvious what she's talking about. But I couldn't just not include this foundational text of the vague euphemism canon, could I?

2. "Beep" by the Pussycat Dolls ft. Will.I.Am



Bolstered by the success of "My Humps," Black Eyed Peas producer and lead rapper Will.I.Am went off and made an imitation version for the Pussycat Dolls, complete with strings. In the chorus, Will.I.Am raps, "It's funny how a man only thinks about the [beep], you've got a real big heart but I'm looking at your [beep], you've got real big brains but I'm looking at your [beep], girl there ain't no pain in me lookin' at your [beep]." Nicole replies, "I don't give a [beep], keep looking at my [beep], cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my [beep], ha, I'mma do my thing while you're playing with your [beep]." Granted, this is nauseating. But I actually like the song a lot. It's pretty catchy, and the most important word of the song is actually an inhuman noise, so that has to be worth something. One thing I like about it is that the verses convey a certain amount of ambivalence of having one's [beep] objectified in this way:
1) "Every boy's the same / since I've been in seventh grade / they've been tryna get with me / tryna ha ha ha, ha ha ha. / They always got a plan / to be my one and only man / wanna hold me with their hand / wanna ha ha ha, ha ha ha. / I keep turnin' 'em down / but they always come around / asking me to go around / that's not the way it's goin' down. / 'Cause they only want, only want / my ha ha ha, ha ha ha."
(as an aside, one thing I love about the Pussycat Dolls is how often they just sing some "ha ha ha"s into their songs as fake laughter. They do it to even greater effect in "When I Grow Up").
2) "Do you know that no / don't mean yes, it means no / so just hold up, wait a minute / let me put my two cents in it / one: just be patient / don't be rushin' like you're anxious / and two: you're just too agressive / tryna get your (ah). / Do you know / that I know / and I don't / wanna go."
3) "Ooh, you've got it bad, I can tell / You want it bad, but oh well / cause what you've got for me is / something I, something I don't need."
In the end, I must admit, this, like almost every U.S. single from PCD, the Pussycat Doll's first CD, thematizes being looked at (see also: "Dontcha" and "Buttons"), which, in the context of their outfits and their individual anonymity, is pretty disheartening. It does make some sense within their whole burlesque troop thing but still, not exactly laudable. So I have historically had quite an ambivalent relationship to this song.

3. "What's That Right There" by Kelis ft. Will.I.Am

(Bonus! YouTube video for the song includes a fan dancing around in his bedroom!)



When asked to produce some of the tracks on Kelis' fourth CD, Kelis Was Here, Will.I.Am decided to turn his vague euphemism songs into a trilogy of sorts. Clearly, he was suffering from diminishing returns, as this is quite awful. Unlike "My Humps," which made #3 on the singles charts, and "Beep," which made #13 (which is respectable), "What's That Right There" was never released as a single. Thank goodness.

4. "London Bridge" by Fergie


I guess Fergie saw Will.I.Am running around creating all sorts of increasingly bad follow-ups to "My Humps" and decided to prove that "My Humps" was successful because of her, not Will.I.Am. "London Bridge," her debut solo single, cements her place as the master of the vague euphemism song. Where "Beep" and "What's That Right There" fail is that their vague euphemisms aren't catchy phrases that can easily enter into pop culture. Everyone can easily make a reference to their humps. But people can't easily reproduce the censorship beep. And "What's That Right There" would have worked better if Kelis had answered with some catchy, ridiculous euphemism like "my lovely lady lump," because otherwise it just can't catch on. So Fergie brought a catchy new phrase. And she took the genre in new directions. Suddenly it wasn't a vague euphemism for some part of her anatomy, it was a vague euphemism for an event. There's a limited number of options for what a hump could be, what [beep] Will.I.Am is looking at, and what exactly that right there could be. But Fergie's London Bridge going down? That could be anything. Of course, it's actually nothing, which is exactly why it could be anything. "London Bridge" went to number one on the charts, though it still probably won't have the lasting cultural influence of "My Humps."

5. "Bottle Pop" by the Pussycat Dolls ft. Snoop Dogg



The first four songs were all released in 2005-2006. By summer 2006 by the latest, in fact. It seemed that "London Bridge" was the final word on the topic of vague euphemisms. But in September 2008 the Pussycat Dolls put out their second CD, Doll Domination, including a brand new vague euphemism song, "Bottle Pop." My theory is that the Pussycat Dolls set out to make Doll Domination better than PCD in every way: Better producers! A wider range of available feminist interpretations! Ballads worth listening to! Though they seem to have forgotten to include the string of high-charting singles (whoops!), they didn't forget to include a new and improved vague euphemism song, even though they're out of vogue. "Bottle Pop" incorporates all the best elements of "London Bridge": a catchy two-word phrase, a euphemism for an event of some kind instead of a body part, one of my favorite producers (Polow Da Don for "London Bridge" and Sean Garrett for "Bottle Pop"), and a better rapper than Will.I.Am. (Yes, I think Fergie's a better rapper than Will.I.Am. And everyone thinks Snoop is a better rapper than Will.I.Am.) I don't expect "Bottle Pop" will ever be released as a single, because I can't imagine that very many more singles from Doll Domination will be released. I hope I'm wrong, there are some really great songs on the CD, "Bottle Pop" included. I wonder what would have happened if "Bottle Pop" had been released as the second single instead of the lackluster "Whatcha Think About That" (which I actually quite like, but I don't see it as a single really). I think "Bottle Pop" may have been better at maintaining the momentum of "When I Grow Up."

(Alright, never mind. I just learned from Wikipedia that "Bottle Pop" is going to be the next single. I cross my fingers that it will do well, though I don't really expect it. I'm afraid they're kind of over. I hope I'm wrong. If nothing else, I hope "Bottle Pop" does well because then they might release a fifth single, and it might be "Out of This Club.")

Discussion topic: Does "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" count? I mean, the vague euphemism really ought to be in the title to be a proper vague euphemism song. But on the other hand, "superman that ho" is a pretty well known lyric from the song. Thoughts?