Adbusters is Ridiculous

On Christmas morning I found Adbusters magazine in my stocking as usual. I guess because Santa Claus thinks I'm still 16? Anyway, I hate Adbusters, but I read it because I got less reading material than any Christmas since I learned to read, and I already read the People magazine in my Mom's stocking and the Martha Stewart Living in my sister's. And I found five ridiculous things. Okay, I found, like, 100 ridiculous things, but five that I have something to say about:

1. From a letter:

I know two people who would have been called counterculture in the 60s or "hipsters" five years ago. They were in an indie band in high school and were devoted to music as a way of life and not just a hobby. One of them no longer plays music - perhaps because of modern cultural nihilism.

Emphasis mine. Because that is just so ridiculous. What on Earth does that mean? "Well, I used to be in a band, but then there was all this modern cultural nihilism so I'm not anymore." Well, I think we all owe modern cultural nihilism a big thanks. Don't rest, modern cultural nihilism! There are plenty more crappy bands to break up!

2. Another letter:

Shonagh Strachan's article on the cruelties of modern childbirth is retrograde insofar as she places blame on the "modern patriarchal institutionalized world," "capitalist patriarchy" and "misogynistic forces." Her final statement precisely identifies the cause of traumatic birthing procedures as a patriarchal fear of female empowerment. This sort of thing was demonstrably true, and relatively widespread, a generation or two ago. But today, Strachan's argument is unlikely.
The far likelier cause of traumatic birthing processes is the particular breed of capitalism that we have and the way it positions profit over people or, in this case, patients. C-sections, like any other surgery, are far more lucrative than straight vaginal births. This profit-driven dynamic shows up all over the health industry and adversely affects females and males alike. So, put blame where blame is due - the capitalist exploitation of our bodies.

"Sexism being the cause of a problem? Unlikely! My analysis reveals that it is the fault of ... capitalism! The same thing I've already decided is responsible for every problem. Conveniently, this affects men just as much as women! No such thing as multiple causes for one problem, by the way. Oh, and sexism in the past? Relatively widespread." In case you couldn't guess, this was written by a man.

3. From an essay:

About 2 years ago, a friend showed me a daily agenda she'd picked up from an anarchist collective in Edmonton. I scanned over the "tips for dropping out of the economy" list and immediately rejected most of them as too radical and hardly conducive to my student life. One of the tips, however, was extremely simple and definitely within my capabilities: to black out logos and brand names from various advertisements around campus with an indelible black marker.

"Wow, all of these ideas are just too hard. I will pick the absolute easiest one, which is also, of course, the one that doesn't cost me money or much time and does absolutely nothing to help anyone. What a great choice! I am so proud of myself that I will publish an essay about it."

4. The issue announces the "greedy pig of the year." And it's "the first-world consumer." That's quite some nerve, since that is, by definition, 99% of the people who read Adbusters. Is purchasing Adbusters, an object that is produced with physical resources like paper and ink and then sold in grocery stores for $9 not an act of consumption? Is Adbusters (again, $9) not a luxury item?

5. Okay, and Adbusters is, by definition, anti-advertisement, right? It's all about busting those ads? And it's anti-consumption? So, how exactly does Adbusters advertise itself? There's a subscription card inside (gasp! it's printed on paper! I sure hope that was recycled paper!) that says: "Join the groundswell of radical change. Subscribe online at adbusters." i.e. "Join the groundswell of radical change by buying this product." There's also an ad inside with "tools for activists" that you can purchase, including: "The Magazine. Become a core member of the movement." I'm so glad that becoming a core member of the movement is as easy as an act of consumption. Whoops, Adbusters markets itself just like everything else.

Don't worry, I told Santa that next year I want my own People Magazine instead of Adbusters.

Vague Euphemism Songs

The vague euphemism song is my name for the (very) minor genre of r&b/hip-hop influenced pop music that uses silly euphemisms that obviously are referring to something dirty but it's not entirely clear what it is. I know of five songs that fit into the genre:

1. "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas

This is, of course, the founding song of the genre – almost its manifesto. This song is infamous. I think it's pretty great. To be honest, the euphemism isn't that vague. Though she uses humps and lumps interchangeably and plays around with what's plural and what isn't , it's pretty obvious what she's talking about. But I couldn't just not include this foundational text of the vague euphemism canon, could I?

2. "Beep" by the Pussycat Dolls ft. Will.I.Am



Bolstered by the success of "My Humps," Black Eyed Peas producer and lead rapper Will.I.Am went off and made an imitation version for the Pussycat Dolls, complete with strings. In the chorus, Will.I.Am raps, "It's funny how a man only thinks about the [beep], you've got a real big heart but I'm looking at your [beep], you've got real big brains but I'm looking at your [beep], girl there ain't no pain in me lookin' at your [beep]." Nicole replies, "I don't give a [beep], keep looking at my [beep], cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my [beep], ha, I'mma do my thing while you're playing with your [beep]." Granted, this is nauseating. But I actually like the song a lot. It's pretty catchy, and the most important word of the song is actually an inhuman noise, so that has to be worth something. One thing I like about it is that the verses convey a certain amount of ambivalence of having one's [beep] objectified in this way:
1) "Every boy's the same / since I've been in seventh grade / they've been tryna get with me / tryna ha ha ha, ha ha ha. / They always got a plan / to be my one and only man / wanna hold me with their hand / wanna ha ha ha, ha ha ha. / I keep turnin' 'em down / but they always come around / asking me to go around / that's not the way it's goin' down. / 'Cause they only want, only want / my ha ha ha, ha ha ha."
(as an aside, one thing I love about the Pussycat Dolls is how often they just sing some "ha ha ha"s into their songs as fake laughter. They do it to even greater effect in "When I Grow Up").
2) "Do you know that no / don't mean yes, it means no / so just hold up, wait a minute / let me put my two cents in it / one: just be patient / don't be rushin' like you're anxious / and two: you're just too agressive / tryna get your (ah). / Do you know / that I know / and I don't / wanna go."
3) "Ooh, you've got it bad, I can tell / You want it bad, but oh well / cause what you've got for me is / something I, something I don't need."
In the end, I must admit, this, like almost every U.S. single from PCD, the Pussycat Doll's first CD, thematizes being looked at (see also: "Dontcha" and "Buttons"), which, in the context of their outfits and their individual anonymity, is pretty disheartening. It does make some sense within their whole burlesque troop thing but still, not exactly laudable. So I have historically had quite an ambivalent relationship to this song.

3. "What's That Right There" by Kelis ft. Will.I.Am

(Bonus! YouTube video for the song includes a fan dancing around in his bedroom!)



When asked to produce some of the tracks on Kelis' fourth CD, Kelis Was Here, Will.I.Am decided to turn his vague euphemism songs into a trilogy of sorts. Clearly, he was suffering from diminishing returns, as this is quite awful. Unlike "My Humps," which made #3 on the singles charts, and "Beep," which made #13 (which is respectable), "What's That Right There" was never released as a single. Thank goodness.

4. "London Bridge" by Fergie


I guess Fergie saw Will.I.Am running around creating all sorts of increasingly bad follow-ups to "My Humps" and decided to prove that "My Humps" was successful because of her, not Will.I.Am. "London Bridge," her debut solo single, cements her place as the master of the vague euphemism song. Where "Beep" and "What's That Right There" fail is that their vague euphemisms aren't catchy phrases that can easily enter into pop culture. Everyone can easily make a reference to their humps. But people can't easily reproduce the censorship beep. And "What's That Right There" would have worked better if Kelis had answered with some catchy, ridiculous euphemism like "my lovely lady lump," because otherwise it just can't catch on. So Fergie brought a catchy new phrase. And she took the genre in new directions. Suddenly it wasn't a vague euphemism for some part of her anatomy, it was a vague euphemism for an event. There's a limited number of options for what a hump could be, what [beep] Will.I.Am is looking at, and what exactly that right there could be. But Fergie's London Bridge going down? That could be anything. Of course, it's actually nothing, which is exactly why it could be anything. "London Bridge" went to number one on the charts, though it still probably won't have the lasting cultural influence of "My Humps."

5. "Bottle Pop" by the Pussycat Dolls ft. Snoop Dogg



The first four songs were all released in 2005-2006. By summer 2006 by the latest, in fact. It seemed that "London Bridge" was the final word on the topic of vague euphemisms. But in September 2008 the Pussycat Dolls put out their second CD, Doll Domination, including a brand new vague euphemism song, "Bottle Pop." My theory is that the Pussycat Dolls set out to make Doll Domination better than PCD in every way: Better producers! A wider range of available feminist interpretations! Ballads worth listening to! Though they seem to have forgotten to include the string of high-charting singles (whoops!), they didn't forget to include a new and improved vague euphemism song, even though they're out of vogue. "Bottle Pop" incorporates all the best elements of "London Bridge": a catchy two-word phrase, a euphemism for an event of some kind instead of a body part, one of my favorite producers (Polow Da Don for "London Bridge" and Sean Garrett for "Bottle Pop"), and a better rapper than Will.I.Am. (Yes, I think Fergie's a better rapper than Will.I.Am. And everyone thinks Snoop is a better rapper than Will.I.Am.) I don't expect "Bottle Pop" will ever be released as a single, because I can't imagine that very many more singles from Doll Domination will be released. I hope I'm wrong, there are some really great songs on the CD, "Bottle Pop" included. I wonder what would have happened if "Bottle Pop" had been released as the second single instead of the lackluster "Whatcha Think About That" (which I actually quite like, but I don't see it as a single really). I think "Bottle Pop" may have been better at maintaining the momentum of "When I Grow Up."

(Alright, never mind. I just learned from Wikipedia that "Bottle Pop" is going to be the next single. I cross my fingers that it will do well, though I don't really expect it. I'm afraid they're kind of over. I hope I'm wrong. If nothing else, I hope "Bottle Pop" does well because then they might release a fifth single, and it might be "Out of This Club.")

Discussion topic: Does "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" count? I mean, the vague euphemism really ought to be in the title to be a proper vague euphemism song. But on the other hand, "superman that ho" is a pretty well known lyric from the song. Thoughts?

6 (More) Reasons to Love Girls Aloud

These are in addition, of course, to the song "Watch Me Go", which I posted just one post ago on Thanksgiving.

1. They finally made a good video! Just today the video for "The Loving Kind" came out, and it's really good:



Is it just me, or is this a bit panopticon-y? But, Foucault-inspired or not, it isn't as good as ...

2. Girls Aloud Party advertisement.



I don't have much to say except that this is the best, prettiest commercial ever.

3. Excess! Where their songs are flawed, it's because they're too much. All of Girls Aloud's music is produced by Xenomania, which literally means, at least according to Xenomania itself, "love of everything." So why not throw everything into each song? When it works, this makes for songs like "Watch Me Go" or "Biology", which don't bother with verses and are instead built around multiple choruses and random bits ("I know what you're thinking, you're thinking 'bout my butt!" for one delirious example) shoved together into one intoxicating pop song. (Last night I had a dream about Girls Aloud sitting around and writing the chorus to "Biology," which I'm pretty sure they didn't actually do, but it was a pretty great dream). When it doesn't work, you end up with a song like "Sexy No No No" where promising bits (like the beautiful vocodered intro) get stomped on and the whole song is muddled up with all those sounds. But "Sexy No No No" is pretty thrilling for a failure. Girls Aloud are too excessive to ever be boring. It reminds me of the slogan for Pinus in the Tales of the City books: "Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

4. Their new, subtler, more minimal sound on Tangled Up and particularly Out of Control. On Tangled Up, Girls Aloud still suffered sometimes from too much going on in their songs (after all, "Sexy No No No" is off of Tangled Up), but "Call The Shots" is one of their best songs, the first Girls Aloud song I ever heard, thank goodness. It's restrained and beautiful. Out of Control goes in the direction of "Call The Shots" – the album is full of pretty, minimalist (in comparison) songs. Don't worry, though. Girls Aloud still knows how to be excessive, even within a minimalist soundscape. One of my favorite songs from Out of Control, "Untouchable", is over 6 minutes long, the definition of excess for a pop song. And "Live in the Country" features barnyard animal noises, for goodness' sake! (It also features one of my favorite Girls Aloud lyrics: "[When I live in the country] I'll be out of my head but they'll say I'm eccentric and look the other way.") "Close To Love", from Tangled Up, has a lot going on without making you feel like you got hit by a truck (as with "Wake Me Up", for example, from one of their earlier albums), and still manages to end with Kimberley (I think) shouting, "Man with the chemical stare: hands off! Guy with the terrible hair: back off! Dude with the look in your eye: leave it! Man with the beautiful bride: beat it!"

5. They're fantastic live. I'm not a fan of live music. In fact, I'm generally opposed to it. But I love that Girls Aloud, in particular, sings live because it shows their individual personalities a bit and because it's like getting a whole new version of the songs. I love this live version of "Watch Me Go" because they shout a lot more of it than on the recorded version, which actually suits the song really well. I love this live version of "Close to Love" because otherwise I wouldn't have had any idea Nicola's voice could sound like it does at 2:17. I love this version of "Control of the Knife" because of how Cheryl starts randomly singing a Kelis song at the end (which I realize makes sense because Kelis is much bigger in the UK, but it was a delightful surprise for me). I love these version of "Something Kinda Ooh" and "Sound of the Underground" because the now-more-subtle Girls Aloud can go back and make some of their most manic songs sound restrained and pretty. And I really, really love this version of "Sexy No No No" because: 1) the intro is, like, Kate Bush-level insane, and 2) it takes this song, which seems designed to thwart my desire to enjoy it at every turn, and, after one typically obnoxious chorus, becomes the song I always wanted it to be. Oh, and 3) How Nadine's accent shows through a little bit around 4:55.

6. "No Good Advice"!



This is Girls Aloud's second-ever single, from their more manic, less beloved-by-Spencer phase. The video is pretty bad (what Girls Aloud video isn't, other than the merely alright "Call The Shots" and, of course, "The Loving Kind"). And it has way more guitar than I usually approve of (the amount I approve of is none). But I have been listening to this song over and over the past several days. It's really resonated with me for personal reasons and Britney-related reasons (more on this below). Honestly, I'm not convinced that Jean Genet didn't write this one. Lyrics up to and including the first chorus:

Daddy told me look into the future

Sit at your computer, be a good girl

And Mama said remember you're a lady,

Think before your play and straighten your curls,

Well everybody's talking like I'm crazy

Dangerous and lazy girl with no soul

But I've seen it all from where I'm hiding

Baby cause I'm sliding, out of control

Here I go, off the road, crank the stereo

I flick my finger to the world below

Here I am, dirty hands, I don't give a damn

Shut your mouth because it might show

I don't need no good advice

I'm already wasted

I don't need some other life

Cold and complicated

I don't need no Sunday trips

Tea and sympathizing

I don't need no special fix

To anaesthetize me

This song is helping me process this Rolling Stone article about Britney Spears, and also her documentary, For the Record. All of Britney's freedom has been taken away by the court-ordered conservatorship which puts her entirely under the control of her previously-estranged father. Over the past few years, her life has been a mess, and it seems like she's starting to get it back together. Last spring, after Britney shaved her head, I developed a theory that the only way she could gain any agency in her life was by deliberately making bad decisions (i.e. the head shaving, marrying that Jason guy, marrying K Fed, etc.). Now she's completely controlled, officially and legally, by others, and they're making all the right decisions for her. And as For the Record showed pretty clearly, I think, Britney's sad, bored, and lonely, and she misses the time when she was out of control ("I used to be a cool chick"). I want Britney to be healthy and safe, but I also want her to be happy and to be able to make her own decisions. So this posting of "No Good Advice" is dedicated to Britney.

I don't want to end a post about the deliriously exciting Girls Aloud on a down note, so instead, watch the Girls Aloud Party ad again. It's worth it.